


close shave

by schittyfic (sixtysevenlmpala)



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: (a little), (gone wrong), Ball Massage, Banter, Comfort, David Rose is a Good Person, Dirty Talk, Episode: s04e02 Pregnancy Test, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Humor, Jukebox Prompt, Laughter During Sex, Literally so mild, M/M, Mild Pain Kink, Oral Sex, Patrick Brewer is Thirsty, Sex bloopers, Shaving, Teasing, cannot believe that's a tag i'm so happy, idek what to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:20:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28097562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sixtysevenlmpala/pseuds/schittyfic
Summary: For midnightstreet's prompt: "Getting ready for their night at Stevie’s, Patrick panics and tries manscaping for the first time ever."
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 94
Kudos: 327
Collections: Porner Community Service Ficlets





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [midnightstreet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightstreet/gifts).



> Just a silly little thing.
> 
> Enjoy! <3

“Wait - hold on.”

David whips his hand away from where Patrick’s jeans hang open and low on his hips. Patrick’s spread out on Stevie’s sheets, and David can see his cock pressing insistently against those tight, sensible black briefs. He’d thought he was on board, but - oh God, maybe he pushed too far too fast. “Sorry, do you - do you wanna stop? We can stop.”

“No, it’s --” Patrick laughs tightly, does that upside-down smile thing that David lo-- really likes. “I think I should - warn you about something.”

David stares at him. He’s suddenly very aware of what his face is doing, and channels every ounce of energy into keeping it perfectly neutral while the possibilities whirl round his head. Is Patrick small? Wait - really big? Does he have a weird birthmark? Or is he afflicted with some kind of hideous disease? Does he have a hair-trigger and he’s gonna come as soon as David touches him? Because, well, actually, that one’s kind of hot.

“David.”

“Hm?” David quickly snaps back into the present and sits back, straddling Patrick’s thighs and flashing him what he hopes is a reassuring smile. His hands flutter up Patrick’s bare arms, pat awkwardly at his chest. “Okay - whatever it is, it’s fine, and I am definitely not going to care.” He’s, like, 80% sure.

Patrick’s ears are turning red. He’s embarrassed, and while David wants to alleviate that immensely, it is very, very cute. “So, uh, I kind of wanted to impress you. I wanted to make sure I looked good for tonight. So I thought I’d… neaten things up a little.”

David fights the series of twists and quirks his lips curl into. “Neaten things up?”

“Yes.” It’s not just his ears, now. The blush creeps along his cheekbones as David watches. “But I - I’ve never really done that before, and I thought I knew what I was doing, because I did all the research and everything. But it turns out maybe I should’ve practiced before today.”

David clamps his lips together, eyes sparkling. “To be clear, we’re talking about manscaping, yes?”

“We’re talking about razor burn on my fucking balls, David.”

A hand flies up to David’s mouth, but it’s not quick enough to stop the laugh bubbling out. Inwardly, he winces, waiting for Patrick’s face to crumple, or for him to shove David off him for being a dick - but of course, neither happens, because it’s _Patrick_ , and he’s got that fond, wide-eyed look about him, and now he’s laughing too. They both are, stupid and ridiculous and David’s never felt like this in his life. He never thought _laughter_ in bed could be anything other than cruel.

“Kiss me,” Patrick says, soft, and David does, his body melting into Patrick’s as he takes his time memorising the plush press of Patrick’s lips on his, the imperceptible gasp as he parts them. He keeps his hips tilted slightly away - he didn’t want to overwhelm Patrick already, but now there’s the added pressure of avoiding whatever _injuries_ he’s managed to inflict on himself.

“Can I see?” David blurts it before he thinks it. 

Patrick hesitates for just a second, before laughing again. “Yeah, you can. It’s not exactly the first impression I wanted to make, but, at least I can only improve on it from here on out.”

“Mm. Presumptuous of you to assume you’ll have any more chances after I inevitably run out screaming.”

Patrick snickers, tipping his head back on an eye roll and using the leverage to shove his hips up, so David can slowly, slowly inch his jeans and underwear down. “You’re right. I guess I’ll have to just make tonight count.”

The room suddenly feels hot and close and David swallows thickly, unable to break from Patrick’s steady, confident gaze; his fingers carefully peel back the waistband of his briefs and untuck his cock, tracing the shape of it blindly before he finally, finally tears himself away and looks down.

“Oh, baby.” It’s a mixture of reverence and sympathy, because _holy fuck that’s a beautiful cock,_ and also _holy fuck that looks uncomfortable_. He wasn’t lying - angry red bumps scatter over his balls and around the base of his dick, even the gorgeous, secret flesh of his inner thighs. He did a pretty good job, though, barring the unfortunate side-effects; his skin is smooth and soft, and David very much wants to bury his face in it.

“I know. It’s bad.”

David clears his throat, his own dick almost painfully hard in his tight jeans. “I have, um, a eucalyptus-infused lotion. Which might help soothe that.”

Patrick frowns. “What, with you? Here?”

David fixes him with a withering look. “You really think I’d stay here without bringing adequate supplies? Does Stevie _look_ like she owns the kinds of products my body and face are accustomed to? She uses a three-in-one!”

Patrick raises his eyebrows and wisely refrains from commenting. He does, however, shift his hips just slightly, drawing David’s attention to the fact that his cock is steadily filling from _semi-firm_ to _extremely fucking firm_. “I mean. Maybe you could… get the lotion after.”

“After?” David smirks, surprised.

“It doesn’t hurt too much. It’s - you could - uh, you could try. If you wanted to.”

David sucks in a breath and lets it out as measured and controlled as humanly possible. _If you wanted to_. Jesus fucking Christ, obviously, he wants to. Images flash across his mind; his hand wrapping sure and steady around Patrick’s cock; Patrick gasping as he gently rolls his balls along his fingers; nosing down his shaft and letting his lips trace that one gorgeous vein along the side, until he reaches his balls and kisses them, open-mouthed and wet, letting the warmth of his tongue soothe them as Patrick squirms.

But.

“As much as I appreciate how thirsty you are - really, it’s doing wonders for my self-esteem - I don’t think we should do that right now.”

Patrick screws up his face and groans, curling both sides of the pillow up around his face so he’s briefly hidden. David snorts, and can’t resist leaning down to press a kiss to the inside of his thigh, a breath away from where he’d rather be. Patrick jumps, laughs, emerging from the pillow again. “Y’know, I don’t - I don’t mind if things... hurt a little. Sometimes. I like it, actually.”

_Oh,_ okay, so Patrick is actively trying to murder him.

“That,” David says carefully, “is very, very interesting to me.” 

Patrick grins.

“But I’m gonna just. Put a pretty little pin in that.” 

Patrick pouts.

“Right _now_ , I’m going to rub some lightly-scented cooling moisturiser on your balls, and it’s going to be very un-sexy, and then we’re going to pick this up when you start to feel better.” He drops a kiss onto Patrick’s lips, and Patrick winds his arms around him, keeps him there long enough that his head spins a little when he finally pulls away to rummage through his bag.

“Alright, alright, fine. It just seems like a waste, you know? Of the room. And the time.”

“Patrick.” David draws a bottle out of his bag and waves it triumphantly. “We have all night long.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen. SO many of you wanted to know what happens next, so... don't blame me for this.
> 
> Also, thanks to the Rosebuddies for the constant validation, as well as throwing me into the porner so I actually had the motivation to finish this.

“So. This is going to be… weird? Probably weird. Um - in fact, if you want to apply it yourself, maybe - that probably makes more sense? I don’t know why I just assumed I should be the one who --”

“David.” Patrick’s got a patient smile on his face, looking at David as if _he’s_ the idiot who practically tore his own balls to shreds with a razor. “I’ve been waiting to be alone with you for weeks. I think I’m okay with you touching my balls.”

David twists his mouth into something between a grimace and a smile. “M’kay. I just don’t want this to come off like, some skeevy excuse to touch you - I mean, I do _want_ to touch you, obviously, but just, I genuinely know this product will help and --”

“David.” Patrick’s interrupting him again. It’s infuriating. David likes it.

He narrowly keeps the rest of the rambling from falling out of his mouth as he climbs back onto the bed, trusted bottle of Organic Eucalyptus-Infused Cooling Body Lotion with Calming Aloe in hand. Patrick’s expression is expectant and fond as he props himself up on a pillow, shoving one hand behind his head like he’s relaxing in front of some sports game. It’s so implicitly trusting, Patrick waiting so openly for David to do _whatever_ to him, that David almost doesn’t know what to do with it.

David knows touch, though. Leaving the lotion by Patrick’s hip for now, he smooths his hands up Patrick’s thighs - he’s definitely still hairy _there_ , it’s silky and tickly under his palms. Delicately, he sweeps inwards, inching up until his thumbs ever-so-lightly brush over his balls. Patrick grunts softly, legs falling apart - _oh, hello_. David’s never seen that part of him - the backseat of Patrick’s car and the stock-room aren’t conducive to actually getting any clothes off, or any kind of real exploration. Now, in the soft light, he can glimpse the centre of him, a tempting shadow between his legs which makes David ache.

That’s not the focus right now, though.

“I’m gonna,” he says, unnecessarily, as he pops the top of the lotion and squeezes a precise amount onto the back of his hand. He swipes two fingertips through it, rubbing them against his thumb briefly to spread it around. “It’s gonna be cold. And… maybe a little tingly? I’ll start with a little, in case you don’t like it. And if you don’t, it’s easy to wash off.”

“Are you gonna talk about it more, or are you gonna put it on me? The state of my balls hangs in the balance, David.”

David narrows his eyes and flicks his thigh, right on the inside, making him yelp. “You know, I’m really regretting doing this very considerate thing for you.”

“I mean, you still haven’t done _literally anything._ ”

With an eye-roll, David gently touches the pads of his fingers to Patrick’s balls and starts slowly spreading the lotion over the poor, ravaged skin, watching as it pulls and shifts under his touch. Patrick’s breath hitches, and David hesitates.

“It’s okay,” Patrick supplies, before David can ask. “Just - cold. Like you said. And - yep, tingly. Wow.”

David hums and continues. Wanting to avoid causing him any more discomfort with dry friction, he focuses on applying it as evenly as possible first, careful little dabs everywhere those angry bumps have sprung up. It’s not just his balls, but the soft, thin skin around the base of his dick, even the inner creases of his thighs. 

After a second’s consideration, David takes a measured breath and gently nudges his fingers underneath his ballsack, smearing some lotion there. “ _Ah!_ ” Patrick hisses between his teeth, jerking away instantly.

David jumps back too, spooked. “Fuck - sorry - are you okay?”

Patrick winces, curling his hand into a fist around thin air and releasing it again. “Yeah, no, that stung a little. Uh, a lot. I must have nicked myself there.”

He sounds so disappointed, and his face is positively _forlorn_. It makes David want to kiss him - and he can, so he does, crawling up his body and losing himself in it for a minute or six. “I’ll try to avoid it. Okay?”

Patrick carries on pressing plush kisses to his mouth between words. “Thank you. And… sorry. I don’t know how I messed this up so bad.”

David shakes his head. “It was your first time. Remember the first time you shaved your face? You probably had, like, a million cuts. Because everyone did. So, really, in comparison, you did _very_ well.”

Patrick laughs, eyes soft. “Well, I was a lot more careful about this than I was about my face.”

“Mm-hmm. Also, this?” David retreats again and rubs his cheek against the trimmed patch of auburn hair above Patrick’s cock, pressing a soft kiss there. “ _This_ is very neat. So. You didn’t _totally_ mess up. Balls are just difficult.” He’s back between his legs now, guiding Patrick’s thighs apart where they’d drifted closer together. “Tell me your process. What products did you use? What kind of razor? How many steps were involved?”

Patrick blinks. “Uh. I just… got out of the shower and did it.”

“Okay, well, I’m starting to see how we’ve found ourselves in this position.”

“I didn’t think it would be complicated!”

“You used the same razor you use for your face, didn’t you?”

Patrick’s sheepish look answers the question for him. David heaves a dramatic sigh as he rubs more lotion over his sack.

“Good God. Well - if you only cut yourself once, that’s actually impressive. Um, you should probably get a safety razor, though, if you’re planning on doing this again. Like, one or two blades.”

“Noted.” Patrick sounds a little strained. Probably from being lectured. David should really bite his tongue.

“Please tell me you _at the very least_ used a good shaving oil.” 

“There are oils?” Patrick looks confused. “I - uh. I didn’t know whether it was okay to use the foam stuff I use for my face, and I kept going back and forth about it, so then I just didn’t. Use anything.”

“ _Oh_ my _God._ Do you have a _vendetta_ against your balls?!” 

David’s positively scandalised, but all Patrick does is laugh at him, hiding it badly behind his hand. David looks up to snipe at him, but on his way to Patrick’s face, his gaze gets firmly snagged on his dick. His _incredibly hard_ dick. Before, it was resting against his stomach, nicely chubbed-up but not like _this_ \- so hard it’s now curving up from his body. It twitches under David’s gaze. He's swelled so much that his foreskin has drawn right back, so David can see the wetness shining at his tip as clear as day.

David swallows. “Well. Um. I’m going to find you a good oil. And some after-shave balm. It’ll help prevent… irritation.” For fuck’s sake, he sounds like he’s shilling for a male grooming company.

“Oh, I don’t know if I’ll ever do this again,” Patrick says honestly, his voice hitting just a note lower than it had been a minute ago. “But depending on how traumatic my recovery is, I might take you up on that.”

“Pretty sure you’ll make a speedy recovery. I’m very good with my hands.”

It’s a fucking stupid line - David cringes as soon as it’s out in the open, but Patrick just gives an interested _hmm_.

David re-focuses on the task at hand, gathering a little more of the lotion and starting to massage it in properly. His fingers splay out on either side of Patrick’s dick as his thumbs work in little circles over the sensitive skin of his balls. A soft sound drifts down from the head of the bed.

“Is that okay?”

“Yeah.” Patrick’s hips shift, his cock bobbing a little. David’s fingers flex with the impulse to touch. “It’s good. It - that feels good, David.”

David was pretty sure this wasn’t going to be sexy. It seemed almost _clinical_ in his head. Maybe it was short-sighted of him not to expect Patrick to quickly turn breathless under his hands, or his own cock to be practically bursting out of his jeans. He’d envisaged them cuddling and maybe watching some late-night TV, Patrick safely cosied up in soft sleep pants until the product had a chance to sink in and work a little magic.

Patrick moans. It’s trapped behind his clamped-together lips, but he _moans_.

Clearly, David is a foolish, foolish man.

Watching Patrick’s face, David starts sweeping his thumbs upwards millimetre by millimetre, until he glides them from his balls to the very base of his cock. He lets them brush the underside before they circle back down, and Patrick squirms, the restless movements making David’s thumbs slide messily all over his balls and underneath to inadvertently press into his taint. “Oh my God,” Patrick whispers to the ceiling.

“You need to stay still. I’m trying to avoid that cut.”

“Right. Yeah. It’s - you’re not making it easy to stay still, though.”

“No?” David fishes despite himself, pursing his lips to try to tamp down a smug smile. 

“Uh-uh.”

Patrick’s shifted from sporadic squirming to a steady, subtle rocking of his hips. It’s just enough that David barely needs to move his hands, Patrick rubbing himself against them instead. The heat of his body is searing against the cool product on his fingers, and David can feel a pleasant tingle from it - he can only imagine how it feels for Patrick. Experimentally, David cups Patrick’s balls in one hand, rolling them gently over his fingers as he rubs the last remnants of the lotion in, and giving the lightest squeeze as he does it. 

“Oh - _oh_ , that feels so --” Patrick grabs at the sheets, his thighs falling open wider. David’s eyes practically pop out of his head. “Don’t stop, David.”

“Um, I mean, you’re pretty much done with the lotion now, so we should probably just… let it work?” David says weakly, _valiantly_.

Patrick groans and reaches down, squeezing his cock hard enough that his knuckles blanch. “God, you’re going to kill me. You’ve made me so hard.” He slowly fists his cock, all the way from base to tip, as if demonstrating his point. 

“Yes. Mm-hm. I did do that.” David forces his next words out with a grimace. “But you’re uncomfortable and sensitive and we’re probably going to make things worse if we. Do things.”

“I’m not uncomfortable. It feels a lot better already. You were right, it’s a good product.”

“It’s an _excellent_ product,” David corrects under his breath.

“But,” Patrick talks over him, “I _am_ sensitive.” Patrick licks his lips, stares right into David’s eyes.

David considers him for a second, and slowly, slowly reaches for him. Patrick’s hand skates away to his chest as David gingerly traces a fingertip up the slight curve of his cock, brushing right over the tip. Patrick whimpers and bucks his hips clean off the bed, his stomach muscles quivering. Oh, he's sensitive, alright. A clear, glistening thread of pre-come clings to David’s finger as he withdraws it. His mouth waters.

“Please, David. I’m okay, I promise.”

David sighs. “Okay, I’d like the formal record to reflect that I really, really tried to be a nice person here.”

“A nice person would have their hand on my dick already.”

David arches an eyebrow and dutifully wraps a hastily-licked hand around Patrick’s cock, watching as he sighs happily and relaxes into the pillows, responding to every twist and pull of David’s fist. “Like that?”

“God, yeah. That’s so nice, David.”

“Am _I_ nice, though?”

“Getting there,” Patrick gasps out, with a shaky laugh. 

There’s an impressive amount of pre-come pooling at the tip of Patrick’s cock now, and David can’t stop staring at his pink head sliding out from his foreskin again and again as David strokes him, sending his slick mess rolling down his shaft and over David’s fingers. It’s stark, filthy evidence of how desperate Patrick is for him, and God, that _really_ does something for David. Cursing under his breath, he fumbles at his fly to slide the zipper down, relieving some pressure on his achingly hard cock. 

“Yeah, touch yourself, oh my God,” Patrick breathes out, sounding wrecked already, but David shakes his head. Not yet, not now. Instead, his other hand drifts back to Patrick's balls, toying with them gently as Patrick shakes beneath him.

“I know --” David’s voice cracks embarrassingly. He clears his throat before trying again. “I know it didn’t go according to plan, but - you look so fucking pretty.”

“Uh - pretty?” Patrick laughs a little, his brow furrowing, like he thinks David’s made a mistake. David’s never been so sure of anything.

“Mm-hmm. Very, very pretty, Patrick.” He teases Patrick’s balls, dragging his fingers over the hairless skin and squeezing them appreciatively, making him gasp.

“I - ah - I did it for you.”

David’s dick throbs in his jeans. “Yeah you did, babe. Made yourself all neat and soft for me, didn’t you? God, you look - fucking _delicious_.”

Patrick moans, his head falling back onto the pillow - except it flies back up instantly when David speaks next.

“Can I use my mouth on you?”

Patrick’s eyes widen like he’s just offered him a million dollars. He nods.

David sucks the head of his cock into his mouth, moaning as a sharp bitterness bursts on his tongue. Patrick echoes him, pressing up eagerly into David’s mouth - _another time_ , David thinks. Humming sympathetically in response to Patrick’s whine as he pulls off, David holds his dick at an angle and runs the tip of his tongue in a neat line all the way down his length, straight to his destination.

It’s a gamble - he doesn’t really _know_ how much Patrick can take, or wants to take, but if he’s reliably good at one thing in this world, it’s tuning into what makes a body feel good. Watching Patrick’s reactions like a hawk, David drags the flat of his tongue gently but deliberately over his sensitive balls, a soothing warmth. He mouths at them, lets himself drool messily all over them as traces of the moisturiser tingle on his lips. Patrick’s shivering, as if he’s not sure whether to pull away or ask for more.

“Patrick? Does that hurt?”

“Not - not in a bad way,” Patrick gasps out - yes, David fucking _knew it_ \- and _oh God_ he’s dangerously close to coming in these Tom Ford briefs.

He urges Patrick’s legs further apart so he can nuzzle into his balls, his hand firm and steady on Patrick’s slick cock. His eyes flutter closed as he buries his face there, surrounded by the thick scent of him and moaning into it. David mentally crosses his fingers and _sucks_ \- his tongue curls around the shape of Patrick’s balls, he can _feel_ how tight they are as he stuffs his mouth full of them, and then - then - “Oh, _oh_ ,” - Patrick’s hips snap up quick and sudden. He's coming, _spectacularly_ , with the most gorgeous sounds David's ever heard. David could die right here between his legs and be satisfied.

“Sorry - fuck, sorry, I didn’t know I was gonna - you’re really good at that,” Patrick rambles, laughing breathlessly. 

David wipes his mouth delicately. His cock is rock-hard. It aches. He doesn’t care. Patrick’s _covered_ in come, streaking all the way up to his chest - there’s a stripe over his nipple, a drop clinging to his chin - he’s thoroughly fucking debauched, and it’s a _very_ good look for him.

“Kiss me,” Patrick murmurs, and David does, just like before. He wonders vaguely if he’ll ever be able to refuse him.

David smirks down at him, cupping his flushed cheek in his hand, before swiping up the come on his chin with his thumb and sucking it casually into his mouth. Patrick’s dumbfounded stare makes him feel inexplicably wanted. “I hope you know I basically just undid all my hard work. That lotion should really be left to sink in for, like, thirty minutes. For best results.”

“Well.” Patrick draws out the single syllable, looking at David with heavy eyelids and a dazed, goofy grin. “I know you don’t like to settle for less than _best results_ , David, so I guess you’re just gonna have to re-apply it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Pls leave a comment/kudos if you liked, I love hearing from you guys. <3


End file.
